A few weeks after my 25th birthday, we found out that we were expecting the most precious little miracle ever. Seeing those two pink lines on the test absolutely took my breath away. We were scared, nervous, curious, excited, and practically every other emotion there is. We scheduled doctors appointments and got to see the tiny little bean that was our child growing inside my body. We saw a flashing heartbeat, still too new to hear and as itsy bitsy as it was, the little flash was the most beautiful thing I’ve ever seen. At my first ultrasound, all I could think is how do people see a child forming in the mother’s womb and not believe in God. I was witnessing a true miracle. We began buying clothes, thinking of how we would publicly announce, and dreaming of a future.
Then the unexpected happened. We went in for our eight week appointment and found out that our sweet baby had stopped developing, and no longer had a heart beat. I never knew the hurt and emptiness I would feel over the next few days. Everywhere I went I saw newborns, I found out someone else I knew was expecting, saw women with perfect little baby bumps everywhere. I’ve never felt so helpless or broken, I had no control of what was happening. My heart ached because our first child that I was so excited about meeting, was no more. That Sunday morning I knew where I needed to be, I needed to be in church, I needed to be spiritually fed. I knew if there was one way we were going to get through this it would be through Christ. And boy was I right.
At church, I sobbed and sobbed, I cried UGLY tears. But we had a ‘special’ service at church, one of those where the Holy Spirit comes in and fills the place, and I found myself in the altar and God had given me exactly what I needed. He gave me complete and utter peace, beyond any understanding. I would never hold this sweet baby, but he or she was born straight into the arms of Jesus. I would never get to see him or her grow and become an adult, but they never have to face the hurt or hardships of this world. Jeremiah 1:5 says “Before I formed thee in the belly I knew thee; and before thou camest forth out of the womb I sanctified thee, and I ordained thee a prophet unto the nations.” God has a plan for each of these precious babies, regardless of if that plan includes a life here on earth, Even though we think our plans are superior, His plan is perfect. He reminded me of Jeremiah 29:11, a verse I’ve clung to my whole life; “For I know the thoughts that I think toward you, saith the LORD, thoughts of peace, and not of evil, to give you an expected end.” And with a promise like that how could I be questioning Him? Psalm 139:13-14 “For thou hast possessed my reins: thou hast covered me in my mother’s womb. I will praise thee; for I am fearfully and wonderfully made: marvellous are thy works; and that my soul knoweth right well.” This little baby was like all others, fearfully and wonderfully made; God just had a different plan for ours.
Miscarriage is something few talk about, but it happens all too often. I was astonished when my doctor told me that 1 in 4 pregnancies end in miscarriage. I knew they happened, I had several close friends experience them. I just never imagined that I would be a member of that ‘club’. Once the people close to us found out about our loss, others started sharing their stories with us. I had women I knew all my life share with me their stories, and until then I never knew that they had miscarried. I’ve learned that women who have experienced this kind of loss, are the strongest women. These women are the most faithful women, because they trust God. These women are not alone, they have a bond that is beyond anything I’ve ever seen, because they’ve experienced a loss that no one should have to experience.
I have questioned if I should share our story, but I’ve earnestly prayed for God to use me; and I can’t do that if I’m silent. So I’m breaking the silence, because I too am 1 in 4.